Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

"One Ticket to Shitsville, Please"

Tell, it looks like there’s one more passenger aboard the runaway train to Shitsville.

That’s right, it would seem that a life once devoted to “training, saying your prayers and eating your vitamins” may just land the great Hulk Hogan on the brink of social disaster, based on a recent emotional interview on the ‘Larry King Live’ show. Yep, if Hogan knows anything best it’s how shitty life can get when your wife divorces you for a 19-year-old.

And all this after the Hulk’s son was recently sentenced to eight months behind bars after pleading no contest to causing a crash critically injuring his friend. So while little Hulk Jr. is off playing ‘new fish’ with three other juvenile offenders, Linda Bollea, 48, is off banging some dude too young to even remember the original Bush administration.

Where to start?

First of all, it has to be said: this 19-year-old kid, Charlie Hill, must have balls the size of planets! Imagine being the guy in high school who managed to bone Hulk Hogan’s wife. That's way cooler than growing a premature mustache. Shit, I bet his classmates have already deified him! They’re probably erecting a statue of the guy in their school concourse as I type.

‘Ol Charlie must be hung like a rogue stallion.

Of course, if I were Charlie I’d be totally paranoid about having the 24-inch pythons hunt me out and squish me out of existence. The last thing I need in life is a former 300 lb ex-professional wrestling champion pissed off at me.

I know if I were Hulk I’d be all kinds of pissed off and looking to lay a Royal Rumble-sized beat down on anyone who dared to defile the sanctity of my marriage.

“Wha’cha gonna do, bruther?”

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Semper Fido

Animal rights activists as well as every other human being – apart from this one that is – are in absolute shock over the release of a video on 'YouTube' showing U.S. soldiers pitching a little black-and-white puppy off a cliff for no other reason than it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The grainy puppy snuff footage depicts two U.S. soldiers stationed in Iraq cooing over a cute puppy before launching it into a deep ravine as the puppy is heard whimpering. That puppy achieved a better hang time than Michael Jordan.

Pretty horrific shit, eh?

I say ‘Good for the soldiers’. One less terrorist puppy to worry about!

Let’s face it, this puppy – cute or not – could, quite possibly, have been the next weapon of mass destruction. Ready to walk himself into a soldier’s barracks, or embassy building wearing a little collar stuffed with plastic explosive; resulting in the deaths of dozens, maybe hundreds of our brave soldiers.

Hello?

This is war people! And war is hell, haven’t you heard?

Has anyone considered that our peacekeeping troops have figured out how to spot themselves a dangerous terrorist puppy from a regular puppy by now?

I think so!

Hey, I support our troops! And I support the good ‘ol eye-for-an-eye policy of dealing with all forms of global terrorism - no matter how fluffy or furry. And that goes for all terrorist puppies, kitties, bunnies, chimps…whatever.

It’s about time we took the war to the kennels.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Shock the Monkey

I heard some rather ominous news the other day: researchers at the Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina have been able to get monkeys to control robot limbs with - get this – their minds!

Sure. Why not? Just to be thorough, just also teach them to arm heat-seeking missiles, and fire rocket-propelled grenades. Hell, better yet, lets give them the power to shoot Death Rays from their eyes. Plus, ‘Robotic Death Monkey’ would be a pretty radical name for a punk band.

Apparently, nobody heeded my caution months ago about the Senegalese chimps using sharp sticks to hunt for food. I warned you all then about the possible consequences of allowing these clever little bastards develop. But instead, we gave them control of futuristic robotic limbs.
Just fucking perfect!

Now we have the six million dollar monkey to worry about! One sudden movement and he’ll peel you like a banana with his robotic-powered super limbs.

To accomplish this, scientists inserted hair-thin probes into the brains of select monkeys. The technique they used, called "multi-neuron population recordings" was developed to allow a large number of single neurons to be recorded separately, and then combine their information using a computer coding algorithm. Computers then intercepted these electrical impulses and calculated mathematical trajectories in the monkey’s brain, thus activating a robotic arm.

And presto! We have the first of our future robotic-primate overlords.

The monkeys were then able to pick up food and feed themselves*. In fact, they were even able to transmit the monkey’s brain signals over the Internet, remotely controlling a robot arm 600 miles away. Next, I expect they’ll teach them how to pull the pin on a live grenade or point and fire a bazooka.

Honestly, what good can possible come from this experiment?

The scientists claim in their ‘Nature’ journal report that their work could form the basis for a brain-machine interface that would allow paralyzed patients to control the movement of prosthetic limbs. “We envision that this neurochip can become an essential component of the type of hybrid- brain-machine interfaces that may one day be used to restore motor function in paralyzed patients," said Miguel Nicolelis, associate professor of neurobiology. "These activities will serve as the backbone of a new Center for Neural Analysis and Engineering currently being created at Duke."

Yeah, yeah, whatever!

I’m thinking about super-powered, half-monkey half-robot monkey butlers…but I digress.

Medical advances aside; I still think this is still a rather dangerous path for mankind to go down. Take it from Charleston Heston; we’re not ready for the consequences of this dismal future. I, personally, am not ready to make sweet, sweet love to a mutant monkey cyborg lest it should snap my neck like a dry chicken bone with it’s super-strong robotic arms.

Besides, how embarrassing would it be to lose to a monkey while playing 'Tiger Woods PGA Tour' on a Nintendo Wii?

We might as well just end it all now.

Act now before it’s too late.

* Other test monkeys were fatally wounded during the experiment when they used their robotic limbs to masturbate instead.